HIHIHIHI wow today has been the best ever so I felt the need to document it. hehe.
ok I woke up late and lowkey did not have time to do schoolwork b4 I had to leave so that was a bummer, I have 4 assignments to do over the weekend. BOOOO. but they should be relatively easy. ANYWAY I got to school and my ag class was soooo boring today I was just listening to music the whole time. teacher was talking about some competitions we can sign up 4... no assignments?!?! awesome. she does that all the time, just talks about FFA for the entire hour and doesn't give us anything to do LOL. listened to the entirety of from under the cork tree it was nice.
ok I spent all last night hyping myself up like you would not BELIEVE. I've done this a million times... I have some master plan of how "I'm totally gonna talk to the guy I like today I swear" and I always chicken out. BUT. today I actually did it and it went perfectly fine and I'm so insanely happy!!!!!! like we actually had a real conversation!!!! ehat!!!!!! hell yes.
okokok went to study hall, had a fun little time, my friends were veryy proud of me trust and believe. then home ec and had the easiest assignment ever, I finished it in like 10min and had the rest of the hour to read. idk why, sometimes I can listen to music while I read, but sometimes it totally makes me illiterate. peculiar... anyway today it was making me illiterate so I was just reading. then in art we're starting watercolor so I did that. told my friend in art about how my balls dropped and I actually initiated conversation for once she was so hyped!!! very large win. art is always fun though so thats not really new.
my friend didn't have a ride so my mom had to drive her home, we schemed to get sonic on the way and of course it was fire. then we get home and I check the mail... SINJIN COOZIE!!!! my beloved arrived. so now I have my big fat sonic slushie in my sinjin coozie its so rad.
OH I went on that field trip monday!!! it was alright, the ride there was really long. we went to lunch first (at 9am...brunch?) and it was nice and fun. I hated the dress code my shirt did NOT fit very well. but lowkey I had that shit ON... anyway ride there and back was probably the highlight. the actual thing we were going to was the greenhand conference where they basically were just trying to hype us up about being in FFA... hate 2 break this 2u but everyone went to this thing just to skip school and get lunch. the skit they did was somewhat entertaining but had way too many 67 jokes.
ok heres my plans for the weekend everyone get sat. I have like 3 really peak yt videos to watch this weekend I'm so excited. I also think I'm gonna try to skate, like for real outside... gulp. I also need to read the killjoys comics!!! I got them for christmas but I've only read the first chapter of california so far. the art is so awesome I'm foaming at the mouth.
speaking of art... I need to finish this cool beetle drawing I started w my oil pastels. alsoo been really into sewing. I need 2 sew a patch on my jeans and finish some patches for my stinky tote bag. and ALSO sew up my other tote bag since it ripped :( ALSO goodness I have a lot to do but I wanna start coding my mcr shrine!!! I have some really fun ideas 4 it and i think it's gonna be awesome once it's done. AAAAAAALSO i got stuff to burn cds. so I need to do that...
I finally got my new record player set up!!! it's so nice. remember my ancient sublime record? I thought it was fucked up beyond repair, but I brought it to my guitar teacher a while back and he said it was totally fine, so I was like, man I guess my record player just sucks. and. my record player just sucked cause it's perfectly fine now LOL. I've been listening to records non-stop this week its seriously awesome...
I think thats all??? I got new shirts for christmas so my fits have been unfathomably hard this week. uhhhh not much else happened I don't think. STILL haven't found my digicam...
ok byebye I hope you have a fantastic weekend go talk to someone. that's your mission. and if you have a pet tell them I said hi. BYEBYE
why can't seasons align with the start/end of the year? we should change that so the way my blog is organized is a little less confusing. happy new year!!!
I rang in the new year very overwhelmed and honestly on the verge of being on the verge of tears, but I powered through. not much of a party guy. everyone my age walked to the gas station up the street at 2am and it was fucking freezing I couldn't feel my ears. should've brought a jacket I guess. didn't anticipate walking, like a fool I guess. anyway it was kind of the most neutral night of my entire life, probably. everything felt so surreal. I only really knew one of the maybe 8-ish teens there, and her boyfriend was there anyway so it wasn't like we were hanging out. but for the first time it kind of felt nice to be alone like that, in the sense that I was kind of lurking in a group of strangers. I mean, I'd met them all before at other parties, but its just small talk shit. whatever being weird isn't the end of the world and I felt free!!!!
I also got a very unwelcome reminder how shitty it is being closeted. I'm very much closeted around most everyone who was there, mostly because my parents were there and they don't like me being trans in front of them, so that's nice. really awkward trying to strategically avoid answering "so what's your name?" and hiding the way I flinch at my deadname. whatever it was an alright night. talked to a dude about fob. or rather he talked to me about fob and I nodded and said "totally" every now and then because he was very drunk. said he liked my gloves though so that's cool!
impending doom. school starts again on tuesday I'm so scared. not even of the work, which I really do plan to lock in on this semester!!!, just of this field trip. since it's for my agriculture class, it's an FFA thing so everyone has to follow dress code. tried my musty white button-up shirt on earlier and I look stupid as shit. like a dog with a human haircut or something. once I get out of this damn class I need 2 upcycle this shirt, it's begging for studs. I'm wearing my docs since I never wear em and I think they're cool. and also begging for studs... I got a studs and spikes kit for christmas. can you tell. I already put spikes on all my converse, they look so awesome. my backpack also fell victim, but it always does when I'm bored enough.
I feel like I've been a lot more creative recently. probably because of break. or new mediums? I got oil pastels (go check it out on my ART PAGE that I finally finished!!) and I love them so much. I've wanted to get some for a long time and I'm so glad I remembered them for christmas. I only wanted a small set just in case I decided I didn't really like them, but my mom went crazy and got me a big set that came in a fucking TIERED case because "the small ones were sold out!" whateva thank you mom I love them. anyway my sketchbook also made a comeback recently because drawing is the itch I've been desperately trying to scratch despite my chronic art block. which is over!! as I've already bragged at length about
I'm still very much hung up on my little topic of the last blog post. especially because I might see the guy in a few days... but I already told myself I don't care if he's on this field trip or not, I'm going with my friends and I'm gonna have fun no matter what. I miss field trips. I still haven't found my digicam, hopefully I find it by tuesday.
I've been entertaining myself with sewing!! I love sewing. I haven't finished my last sewing project, but I started a new one to work on just whenever. I bought a tote bag at hobby lobby like a year ago and I planned on customizing it somehow, but I never did. so far I did embroidery stuff along both the straps (black barbed wire on one, red chains on the otha) and studs on some pockets inside. lookin nice so far. I plan on sewing some strips of fabric to the inside of the straps to hide the back sides of the embroidery, but I wanna use fun patterned fabric, which of course I currently have ZERO. but I made a pinterest board of a bunch of pins and patches to make for this thing. also some keychains! I need to start sewing my own keychains again.
I'm trying to get back into skating. I use that term VERY loosely... most I've ever been able to do is cruise around. trying to learn how to ollie. only in my bedroom first... not trying to crack my head open on my driveway while it's also 30deg out. most of my hobbies are creative so my skills are mostly transferrable, and I'm not used to not being good at stuff, so I'm proud I'm sticking with it cause it's seriously so fun. I can turn LEFT now. big things happening. I also desperately need something to keep me active. the amount of time I spend on my ass is unfortunate. boy get off roblox go skin your knee. somehow I managed to hurt my shin while trying to ollie in my carpeted bedroom. how does that happen. unclear...
also been quite locked in on my ocs. they've had developments. big things coming... jk I still have no idea what I want 2 do w them. a video game sounds fun but my vision is totally outside of my skillset. my notes app is flooded with a toddler's idea of a screenplay with 100000 typos of these freaks. whatever their pinterest board is thriving. the most they'll probably get for a while is a spot on my website explaining their lore. maybe I'll get to writing a proper screenplay for them. I think the best way to tell their story would be some kind of webseries. maybe I'll get to make that some day.
okayyy it's 3am scary hour I'm gonna go to bed (lying) goodnightttttttt. your mission is to start a project to work on and watch youtube seriously it's so nice. like something with your hands. byebbye have a nice week :DD
I'm being forced to accept the fact that I'm worthy of love and also I fucking suck at piano how does anyone play that thing. sorry I realized I've been putting off posting anything on here for uhhh like a month almost. because I didn't want to talk about this but it would feel weird to ignore it so. yes the rumors are true, i'm crushing on a mediocre white man. sorry if you're reading this I don't actually think you're mediocre.
ok I originally wrote this post on uhh monday night (technically tuesday morning. nerd emoji) and its freaking me out how close christmas is!!! ahhhh!!!! but anyway I realized I kind of do have somewhat of a following on here and I asked myself if I genuinely want possibly over one hundred people (if we're being REALLY generous) reading my rant about my stupid high school crush and UNFORTUNATELY the answer was NO. but I did kind of want to talk about it just a little. hehe
ok I have a crush. we all know this. very well established at this point. but I realized kind of recently (like in the past couple months) that he most likely also likes me. which is SCARY. I also realized that he's probably having the same thought processes as I am. like I've been SO in my head about this it's ridiculous. I've been telling myself that he's probably not into me and any sign that he does is just a coincidence, confirmation bias, I'm delusional, blah blah blah. but everyone I've talked to about this says he's definitely into me. anywaysanywaysanyways. same thought processes and all that. so needless to say we aren't getting anywhere fast. which means I GUESS I'll have to do something about that. but whatever thats not what I wanted to talk about.
I'm used to making myself smaller. I never want to be an inconvenience or anything. everyone else is human, I'm just playing the part so they don't find out I'm actually some little alien freak who snuck off the spaceship. I'm terrified to make anything about me or draw attention to myself in any way at all. so obviously it's been quite the process realizing theres a huge chance someone actually likes me as anything more than a friend. which, again, I feel the need to say that duhh I don't know for sure. but this is kind of serving as exposure therapy to say that I think he likes me. part of my little alien disease is that I'm fucking petrified of being presumptuous or analyzing the behavior of anyone other than myself. so yeah. I think this guy has a crush on me!!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't care anymore I think he likes me and I like him and thats cool and I won't be in trouble for thinking that if I end up being wrong!!!!!!!!! they will not publicly execute my ass for interpreting someone's behavior in a reasonable way!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ok moving on.
literally immediately after I made my last real blog post (on the 9th), my friend called me asking if I wanted to go to the choir's christmas concert. and I was like yeah sure why not, when is it? did not expect her to say in 10min. but we went and it was funnnn. I also went with her to a band concert a couple days after that, it was pretty much the same as the choir concert except a lot more packed and also the guy I like was there..... GEULP. I don't wanna go into the details but just know I wanted to curl up and die. in a good way? not sure. anyway I had fun.
monday was pretty fun too. winter break technically started monday if you don't count this past weekend. we went to my friend's mom's friend's house for some festivities. there was a piano and yeah whatever I did learn the little wttbp piano bit. shut up I'm only human. I also started learning how to play blood cause I was bored and this little kid came into the room like "who's playing the piano, they suck" wow ok. the kids were also attacking us with a balloon chainsaw. cool. they had some fucking massive dogs at this joint dude. they were so sweet, they just flopped down and rolled over every time I'd pet them. I got lots of pictures.
speaking of pictures, I was gonna bring my digicam to school so I could get a selfie with the aborted horse but I couldn't find it anywhere!! I'll have to find it to bring in after break. anyway. after we left their house we hit up olive garden, it was so fire. then after I got home I harrassed my friend to play roblox with me and perhaps we did play a knockoff backrooms game for like 3 hours. I'm also really obsessed with that politics sim, it's so funny. nobody ever knows whats going on. the other day when I was playing, there was someone saying they wanted to be a dictator and their slogan was free the lesbians. hell yeah.
ohhh finals went good I think. ummm also I've been crocheting a lot. I finished my friends christmas gifts, and then I started making myself a little shark plushie who is currently sitting on the floor next to my desk waiting very patiently to be sewed together. I'll probably get to it tomorrow. today? whatever its 2am but it isn't really the next day until I wake up. this just in: I literally control time. check in next week to see the other ways in which I can manipulate reality!!!
I'm so excited for christmas I just realized thats in literally one day. ummm tomorrow/today is christmas eve. what. I think I got oil pastels I'm so excited. I also can't wait because I got a record player + a handful of records (that I literally picked out in the store, but my mom won't let me have them until christmas... ok.) I also got some fugglers!!! which I also picked out at the store. whateva. oh I got a ton of money because my more extended family had zero clue what to get me. saving up for a new instrument perhaps. hehe.
ok yeah I guess I'll have to update on the Crush situation after break is over... we have a field trip on the first day back but I'm not sure if he's going. who wouldn't though, its literally skipping school for lunch with friends. oh well. I'm going and I'm sososo excited to do nothing all day.
ok thats all I think. happy holidays I love u go play vidya games with your friends and listen to music and make something with your hands its so nice. byebye!!!!!!!!!! HAPPY FREAKIN HOLIDAYS!!!!!!!!!!!
hey howdy. I'm in the middle of finals, but I really wanted to share the essay I wrote cause I'm proud of it or whatever. I'll probably do an actual blog post likeee friday or this weekend if you're just DYING to know what i've been up to. hehe. ok here it is
A few months ago when the new Superman movie was released, the first exposure I had to it were complaints. I’d heard so many complaints from people saying that the movie was expressing solidarity with those affected by the genocide in Gaza. And when I heard that, I assumed that maybe the movie expressed it a little more clearly than it really did. Because in reality, the movie said nothing about Palestine, nothing about any real-world conflicts like I’d been hearing. It opposed a fictional genocide for the sake of the movie’s plot. In fact, James Gunn has stated in interviews that he wasn’t even aware of the situation in Gaza while writing the movie. So why are people upset that Superman doesn’t like genocide?
One thing I’ve learned, especially in history classes, is that the right thing isn’t always the popular thing. Superman hates murder, Joanne of Arc didn’t denounce her beliefs, and neither will so many of those who are criminalized today. There are countless figures in history who expressed beliefs that others didn’t agree with and were punished for it that we realize today weren’t necessarily in the wrong. It’s weird to think that we’re living in a time that will one day be history, but it’s true, and one day people will look back and realize that some of the things that we do now are wrong. It’s baffling that genocide is even something to be controversial, but I sincerely hope that one day, years from now, we’ll look back and realize Superman was right. Genocide isn’t cool, even if some government figure (or even just some rich guy) is benefitted by it.
All this to say, it takes courage to be a hero. It takes perseverance, confidence… The list is never ending. But you have to stand your ground. It’s hard living in a world full of hate when all you have is compassion to give back, but it’ll never be worth it to join in. I’m not saying turn into Socrates and choose death over denouncing your beliefs, but at the very least, be like Superman and remember being mean is bad and all that. We learned this in kindergarten for a reason: it’s a basic skill necessary in life to just be nice.
Am I saying that to be a hero, you need to be kind? Yes. Is that the most basic answer I could’ve given to this question? Absolutely. But I feel like it’s something people need to be reminded of. And who am I to judge if you need Superman to convince you to be nice? At least you’re being nice at all.
hey howdy I'm having a time
y'know how I've been procrastinating on my art page for *checks watch*.... a long time? WELL I will probably continue to do that BUT I'm finally over my seemingly chronic artblock, so I've got a lot more motivation to work on it! woo! did you know I haven't been able to draw anything for like, actual months. its been torturous. but it's over now!!! I did a really fuckin cool drawing of Helena Chemical Romance and she looks so sick I love it. I'm back to my art style dilemma though, because I feel like I don't really have a style, I always kind of go back to semi-realism. oh well not like I'm dying to draw super cartoony or anything, i'm just not good at stylizing things while still retaining what they look like. also I can't draw without a reference so my OCs are still stuck in my brain and also pinterest board Forever. Pinterest Purgatory.
I need to finish reading good omens. I'm STILL like halfway through it. I've been halfway through it since like august man come on. I want to start reading frankenstein instead of leaving it on my shelf for Ever. also I've been meaning to watch the new movie as well it looks rad. I also need to read dracula... I got the penguin clothbound classics of them and they're so cool but I have yet to read either...
end of semester is next thursday and I am Not ready.... I have one william missing assignments to do, plus everything that will get posted this week... zoinks. but I have been lowkey flying through them, so I'm hopeful. somehow my grades are still pretty good, my worst is like a C in english. booo whatever
I've been crocheting christmas gifts for my friends! I finished one handwarmer on friday and I'm starting the 2nd one today. I have some I made for myself with little skulls on them and my friend said she wanted some so she's getting some. not sure what I'm gonna make for my other friends though... handwarmers are kind of boring if u didn't ask 4 them. maybe I'll make some stuffed animals or something.
not much else has been going on this week honestly. oh I saw an aborted horse fetus in a jar of formadehyde yesterday in my agriculture class. weird stuff. everybody was way too nonchalant about it. we passed it around and I was gonna grab it but it got like an inch away from my hands and I freaked out. it looked fucking putrid man for real. the teacher also had various cat organs in jars as well. can you imagine getting your horse an abortion and asking to keep it. oh my god. the best part is i'm pretty sure it had like, nothing to do with the lesson. why did she bring those in. we're talking about cuts of meat ooh filet mignon and also heres an aborted horse in a jar. sure man. whatever
it's finals next week ahh! spooky. not excited to have to remember anything about FFA... we spent an entire quarter on that shit. girl I do not care!!!! literally the entire class was so pissed that entire time. show me the cat organs already i don't care who wrote the FFA creed!!!
I need to get more music on my ipod SO bad... I have like 3 entire albums and other than that I just added shit from my old playlists. awful selection I will not lie. but I did ask for a cd drive for christmas so I can put my cds onto my ipod. plus I can burn my own cds then. woohoo!
oohhh last-last week I got to skip my stinky home ec class to make cakepops for a fundraiser. not sure what went wrong during the baking process but there was cake batter all over the bottom of every oven. it looked like actual shit from a butt. thankfully I wasn't the one who had to clean it, but I will have you know that it was hard. the cake batter shit was left there for so long it became hard. how does that. what. whatever now cakepops are done and I have to go back to home ec and act like I've even started this big ass assignment that the teacher literally told us she made with AI. I am not doing that shit dude whattt. I mean I am because I have to pass this class, but I'll probably put it off for a really long time and half-ass it to prove a point.
there's a band concert monday that I'm being dragged to (cough jazmin cough I probably wouldn't leave the house without her cough) and I'm actually pretty excited. I've never gone to one before because BORRRINGGG but since I'm going with a friend I'm sure it won't be so bad. plus a certain somebody is in band so he'll probably be there ooohh SHUT UP. also like all of my friends are in band too I guess.
ok I will admit that while I've been enjoying euphoria, holy shit can you people stop fucking for FIVE SECONDS. PLEASE. like I'm willing to overlook the fact that nothing even close to this has ever happened to anyone, let alone a high-schooler, but PLEASE quit girl your drug dealer's 9 year old friend has a gun and also you have a test on monday.
ok I think that's all I've conjured up this week. ughhh bye
hey look it's winter now. jesus christ
I get this feeling way too often that I need to be doing something. there's the possibility of something beautiful inside of me and I need to tear my skin off to let it free. that might have been an unnecessarily violent visual, but I think you get the point. I need to make something. the only thing I can really compare this feeling to is like... a bomb that just won't explode. just making that awful fizzing sound forever. the fuse is endless, I guess. I dunno. this is kind of deep compared to my usual blog posts but I'm abandoning expectations at this point I feel crazy so I'm gonna write about it. I just feel like I have so many things in my life that inspire me, so many things to scream about, and I'm doing nothing with it. not that this feeling is rooted in like, wasting time or whatever. that isn't it at all. it's just that I know I'm capable of making something truly incredible and I'm just not doing it. and it's frustrating.
of course this is gonna tie into me being trans because everything fucking leads back to that for some reason. don't get me wrong, I like being trans, but it's fucking exhausting. so I hate it sometimes, but as a whole I guess I gotta love it. anyway yeah I feel like music is the reason I'm alive so naturally this thing that I need to make is probably music. like that's always been the goal. I fucking love playing guitar and screaming and all the angsty theatrics god it's the best thing in the world. but obviously I also fucking hate my voice. I think I also feel that sort of Forever Bomb feeling about being trans now that I think about it. like something under my skin is just vibrating and waiting to be freed. like this body just isn't mine yet, and I can't do shit about it. I've tried dyeing my hair and it just isn't working. nothing can make me feel like I'm in control of myself. It's always up to somebody else when I get to become myself. I do grow the tiniest little baby facial hairs ever though which makes me laugh because it's like my body even knows it's supposed to do that kinda stuff, y'know? like "here, this is the best I can do brah."
whatever sometimes I feel like I'll always be looking at cool edgy guys in their 20s playing guitar or something and being all awesome and wishing it was me but I know that isn't true. I know I'd never let myself lose sight of who I am, and as soon as fucking possible I'm swan diving into the fucking saw heroin needle pit or whatever except it's testosterone and then I'm gonna be fine. and I'll get One William piercings and tattoos and everything will be okay and my skin will finally stop vibrating with rage every time I see a mirror or hear my own voice. I saw a tumblr post (on pinterest cause I'm not cool enough 4 tumblr) that said One William and now I'm saying it. it's so funny please laugh.
everyone (2 of my friends) was out of town all break so I had nobody to tell all this so you people in my puter get to hear it. why is thanksgiving break a week long? happy late thanksgiving by the way. I have a massive dish of macaroni to empty. it's so fucking good oh my god. it's a new recipe and ohhhhhh my god. oh my god. you don't understand. I'm vibrating.
I spent my night reading ao3 because there was a new fic added to my favorite series. and I guess I'm fucking telepathic now because I literally just went to look at the series and maybe re-read some old parts and there was a new one added today!!! and only like 5 kudos on it + zero comments. get real I'm literally psychic or something. then I watched a couple mcr music vid outtakes and laughed my ass off. please I beg of you to watch the helena outtakes it's so goddamn funny. frank just looks insane. like he looks like he needs to be put in a straightjacket. and so does gerard the way he's fagging it up the whole time. holy cow also get yo grill away from the camera girl your breath stinks!!! anyways. straightens my tie and suit jacket.
my mom brought me a sandwich since my parents went out and got dinner. I absolutely hate eating in public. school isn't so bad, but restaurants are the worst. I think I just recently started eating in school though out of necessity because I Get Hungry unfortunately. sandwich was bomb dot com very good. i shoulda named my site that...
I'm in a major funk right now creative-wise. actually regarding everything, really. I haven't really been coding at all because I have Zero ideas for anything, which is a big problem since I signed up for secret shrineta... don't worry I'll get it finished. this week fosho... but I really haven't done anything since I put my guitar page up. I've been thinking about redoing some stuff like my about me page and obviously my xtras page is fucking horrendous but it's just a placeholder right now. I'm also trying to get back into drawing but I've had absolutely no luck. the only thing I'm really doing is playing guitar and even then I'm not that good. which goes back to feeling like a fucking explosive... I need to do something creative NOW!!!
jesus christ this is one of my longer posts sorry! I've been having quite a few thoughts recently... like, for some reason I was convinced that pete wentz was the one singing in fall out boy. I just assumed because he looks like he would whine like that, but here we are. okayy you know what I'm gonna say. SO LONGGG AND GOODNIIIIGHTTTTT. I'm on my knees doing the reaching hand thing. k byebye