hey look it's winter now. jesus christ
I get this feeling way too often that I need to be doing something. there's the possibility of something beautiful inside of me and I need to tear my skin off to let it free. that might have been an unnecessarily violent visual, but I think you get the point. I need to make something. the only thing I can really compare this feeling to is like... a bomb that just won't explode. just making that awful fizzing sound forever. the fuse is endless, I guess. I dunno. this is kind of deep compared to my usual blog posts but I'm abandoning expectations at this point I feel crazy so I'm gonna write about it. I just feel like I have so many things in my life that inspire me, so many things to scream about, and I'm doing nothing with it. not that this feeling is rooted in like, wasting time or whatever. that isn't it at all. it's just that I know I'm capable of making something truly incredible and I'm just not doing it. and it's frustrating.
of course this is gonna tie into me being trans because everything fucking leads back to that for some reason. don't get me wrong, I like being trans, but it's fucking exhausting. so I hate it sometimes, but as a whole I guess I gotta love it. anyway yeah I feel like music is the reason I'm alive so naturally this thing that I need to make is probably music. like that's always been the goal. I fucking love playing guitar and screaming and all the angsty theatrics god it's the best thing in the world. but obviously I also fucking hate my voice. I think I also feel that sort of Forever Bomb feeling about being trans now that I think about it. like something under my skin is just vibrating and waiting to be freed. like this body just isn't mine yet, and I can't do shit about it. I've tried dyeing my hair and it just isn't working. nothing can make me feel like I'm in control of myself. It's always up to somebody else when I get to become myself. I do grow the tiniest little baby facial hairs ever though which makes me laugh because it's like my body even knows it's supposed to do that kinda stuff, y'know? like "here, this is the best I can do brah."
whatever sometimes I feel like I'll always be looking at cool edgy guys in their 20s playing guitar or something and being all awesome and wishing it was me but I know that isn't true. I know I'd never let myself lose sight of who I am, and as soon as fucking possible I'm swan diving into the fucking saw heroin needle pit or whatever except it's testosterone and then I'm gonna be fine. and I'll get One William piercings and tattoos and everything will be okay and my skin will finally stop vibrating with rage every time I see a mirror or hear my own voice. I saw a tumblr post (on pinterest cause I'm not cool enough 4 tumblr) that said One William and now I'm saying it. it's so funny please laugh.
everyone (2 of my friends) was out of town all break so I had nobody to tell all this so you people in my puter get to hear it. why is thanksgiving break a week long? happy late thanksgiving by the way. I have a massive dish of macaroni to empty. it's so fucking good oh my god. it's a new recipe and ohhhhhh my god. oh my god. you don't understand. I'm vibrating.
I spent my night reading ao3 because there was a new fic added to my favorite series. and I guess I'm fucking telepathic now because I literally just went to look at the series and maybe re-read some old parts and there was a new one added today!!! and only like 5 kudos on it + zero comments. get real I'm literally psychic or something. then I watched a couple mcr music vid outtakes and laughed my ass off. please I beg of you to watch the helena outtakes it's so goddamn funny. frank just looks insane. like he looks like he needs to be put in a straightjacket. and so does gerard the way he's fagging it up the whole time. holy cow also get yo grill away from the camera girl your breath stinks!!! anyways. straightens my tie and suit jacket.
my mom brought me a sandwich since my parents went out and got dinner. I absolutely hate eating in public. school isn't so bad, but restaurants are the worst. I think I just recently started eating in school though out of necessity because I Get Hungry unfortunately. sandwich was bomb dot com very good. i shoulda named my site that...
I'm in a major funk right now creative-wise. actually regarding everything, really. I haven't really been coding at all because I have Zero ideas for anything, which is a big problem since I signed up for secret shrineta... don't worry I'll get it finished. this week fosho... but I really haven't done anything since I put my guitar page up. I've been thinking about redoing some stuff like my about me page and obviously my xtras page is fucking horrendous but it's just a placeholder right now. I'm also trying to get back into drawing but I've had absolutely no luck. the only thing I'm really doing is playing guitar and even then I'm not that good. which goes back to feeling like a fucking explosive... I need to do something creative NOW!!!
jesus christ this is one of my longer posts sorry! I've been having quite a few thoughts recently... like, for some reason I was convinced that pete wentz was the one singing in fall out boy. I just assumed because he looks like he would whine like that, but here we are. okayy you know what I'm gonna say. SO LONGGG AND GOODNIIIIGHTTTTT. I'm on my knees doing the reaching hand thing. k byebye